Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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