When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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