Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
