my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
