Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
