found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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