I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
