You made me cry and you don't even care
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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