rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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