plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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