Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
