so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
