Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
