WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
