so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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