$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
