I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
