Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
