she was so not down for the gang bang
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
