This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
