I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
