Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
