got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
