Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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