This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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