nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
