Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
