my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
