its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
