I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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