You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
