your parents love me but you hate me
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
