When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
