At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You need Xanax blowdarts
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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