she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
