OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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