so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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