I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize
