I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I love you.
Bad choice
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