im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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