last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
