Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
