You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
