is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
