I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
