Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
