i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
