a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
