So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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