I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
